Voice Imodulation Syndrome

From a Weekend Update skit on SNL, where Will Ferrell plays Jacob Silj... Watch the video here.

Will Ferrell: (in a loud voice) Thank you Tina. Our relations with China have long been shaped by a tug of war between economic interests and political ideologies.

Tina Fey: Holy God.

Will Ferrell: Yes, I'll get to religion Tina, but first Taiwan (pulls out map) A Japanese colony until 1945 --

Tina Fey: No Jacob. Your voice.

Will Ferrell: My voice?

Tina Fey: You're shouting.

Will Ferrell: How dare you. I have a voice related medical condition.

Tina Fey: Oh, I'm very sorry.

Will Ferrell: I suffer from voice immodulation Tina. I'm unable to control the pitch or volume of my voice. Also known as Van Horton's Syndrome, VI is a recognized psycho-medical condition which you may have read about in Newsweek or Crack Magazine. Numerous prominent Americans suffer from this debilitating disease Tina, including the guy who played Rodge on "What's Happening" and tennis great Pete Sampras.

Tina Fey: Jacob, I've heard Pete Sampras speak and he doesn't shout all the time.

Will Ferrell: Pete Sampras has low grade voice immodulation. He is a poster child for voice immodulation awareness and proof that even the voice immodulated can contribute to a society filled with prejudice people like you. Tina.

Tina Fey: Jacob, that's not fair.

Will Ferrell: Fair! I'll tell you what's not fair, Tina. Imagine being at a high school dance, singing along with everyone else "and a little bit softer now, and a little bit softer now, and a little bit softer now." Or how about sitting in the privacy of your church confessional and whispering to your priest, "I've had impure thoughts about that hippy puppet in the Muppet Show Band."

Tina Fey: Janice?

Will Ferrell: Janice, yes. Or looking into a woman's eyes and gently murmuring to her, "I want to touch you, I want to touch you."

Tina Fey: OK Jacob, we get it. It's a problem.

Will Ferrell: No wonder I'm a 48 year-old virgin.

Tina Fey: Right well Jacob thanks for coming out. Thank you.

Will Ferrell: Boy Jacob, you could have taught these people a lot about China tonight if it weren't for that rude bitch.


Hilarious, right? Well it's only hilarious on SNL or when it's happening to someone else. It's NOT hilarious when you have to share an office space with someone who seems like they suffer from "VIS." I mean, obviously this girl doesn't actually suffer from that, but it sure as hell feels like it. Why... WHY must you shout at someone who is standing right next to you? We're in an office. Lower your voice, for crying out loud. No one cares about your difficulty with purchasing season football tickets. No one wants to hear your phone conversations. Need to talk to someone across the hall? Get up and go to their office. There are other people here trying to work.

In short, SHUT UP.