FYI

Just so you know... If you send me a document for my approval, and I send you a notice stating what needs to be revised or added to the document IN A BULLET-POINTED LIST, it is REALLY irritating when you send me back the EXACT SAME document you sent the first time, attached to an email where you're asking me to tell you exactly what needs to be corrected.

THAT'S WHAT THE BULLETED LIST WAS FOR. And it doesn't help your case when your "what needs to be corrected?" email is in reply to and part of the same thread as my "here's what needs to be corrected" email.

I'm just saying...

Give me a break...

Let me preface this by saying my roommate is a nice guy. He means well... but if he doesn't get a clue, AND FAST, we are going to have major problems.

Now, as far as females go, I'm not the neatest girl you'll meet. I can be messy, so my house doesn't look like page 37 of the Pottery Barn catalog. But I try to at least be clean, and keep my house below the level of catastrophe. Bear in mind that I work a pretty demanding full time job and go to school part time, so when I get home I barely have the energy to clean up after myself, let alone clean up after my tenant and his guests. I've let a lot of things go. I understand that he's young and fairly clueless about some of this stuff. But after almost 2 years of living here, and various requests for him to help me maintain the house and keep it clean, I'm starting to get fed up.

Over the last 2 months, I have had 3 stand-offs with him - all seemingly unbeknownst to him:

1. The Toilet Paper Stand-off: Whenever the toilet paper needs to be replaced, rather than putting a new roll ON the dispenser like a normal person, my roommate puts it on the bathroom counter ABOVE the dispenser (and yes, we unfortunately have to share the bathroom). It drives me CRAZY. Absolutely bonkers. I think it's so stupid. So I left it. I left the toilet paper roll on the counter for 3 whole days. I just kept tearing off sheets from it, while leaving it there. But at the end of day 3, it made me so mad, I HAD to put it on the dispenser.

2. The Bathroom Trash Stand-off: So, sure, the bathroom trash can is not very big. All the more reason to take out the trash when it starts to get full. I'm as lazy as the next person, so I'll jam as much in there as I can before taking it out. But when I come home, and my roommate has had guests, and the trash can looks like this, I draw the line.



So I left that, too... for another 3 days. I even completely avoided putting trash in that trash can. The guy went down to the trash room a few times. I know because he had some recycling that he took down there. Did he bother taking out any of the other trash? No sir.

3. Stand-off #3, currently in progress, The Dirty Plate Stand-off: He and his girlfriend decided to make a peach cobbler or whatever yesterday. But they didn't have half the ingredients they needed, so I graciously allowed them to use my baking ingredients, as well as the baking pan. When they were done, his girlfriend just piled all the dirty crap into the sink, despite the dishwasher being ready to be emptied. Okay, fine. Whatever. At least it's in the sink, right? Well they shared a serving of said peach cobbler and then got ready to go out. I walk into the kitchen an hour later, and...



It's now the end of day 2, and that fork is practically GLUED to the plate from all the sticky, sugary syrup that's on there. Now, seriously... Are they not capable of cleaning this up? Trash what's on the plate, put the plate in the sink/dishwasher. It's not difficult. And this kitchen is not so big that this would be an onerous task. I woke up this morning and the plate was still on the counter. I left the house at noon and got home an hour ago (midnight), and guess what... Yes, my dear friends, that plate is still there. I REFUSE to clean it up. He's already in bed, but I promptly sent him a text, asking him to clean it up STAT. What pisses me off the most is that he was clearly in the kitchen while I was out... There are newly used utensils in the sink, and things on the stove have been moved around since I left this morning. So I KNOW he saw it there. He can't possibly be so blind as to NOT have seen it.

You know what? Maybe he thinks I'M gross. Maybe he thinks that I'm messy and leave shit everywhere. Maybe he feels like, since I'm gross, he can be gross too. Well guess what. I don't give a shit. Whether he thinks I'm gross or not, I own the place and I can do what I want. But don't make it worse. And don't expect me to clean up after you. And CERTAINLY don't expect me to clean up after your guests.

Major overhaul cleaning happening next week, and after that, I expect the house to STAY clean. If I have to hire a maid, he's paying for half.

My Regrettable Lunch

I stuck a fork in it, because it is DONE. In case you can't tell, this unfortunate specimen is a Hot Pocket - a LEAN Pocket, to be exact, and one more example of a reduced calorie/low fat/high fiber/whatever else food that I hate. Admittedly, I used to like Hot Pockets, but only the chicken, cheddar, and broccoli ones (which this one is supposed to be). But over the last year or so, whenever I go to the frozen foods section looking for something quick that I can keep as my "just in case I forget to pack a lunch or am too lazy to go out" lunch at work, I have looked for the regular Hot Pockets with chicken, cheddar, and broccoli. For some reason, though, they seem to only offer that flavor in the Lean or Croissant Pockets, and so I haven't bought them in a while. This time, I decided it was no big deal, and that it couldn't possibly taste THAT different.

Now, I don't know if it's because it's a Lean Pocket, or if maybe they've changed how they make Hot Pockets in general, or if they've changed the recipe of the filling. And I know that Hot Pockets are not exactly the most reliable food, and humans probably shouldn't be eating them in the first place. But I DO know that I paid $3 for a box of two Hot Pockets, and what I got was a cardboard burrito-ish thing filled with nastiness. I took two bites and I'm ready to trash it. The first bite was the gross surprise. The second bite was taken just to make sure the first bite was as gross as I thought it was. I guess you get what you pay for. Add this to my list of "Foods I Must Remember Not to Buy": Hot/Lean/Croissant Pockets.

Pretend the door actually exists...

My office doesn't have a door. No, I didn't Hulk out and tear it down, and it didn't fall off the hinges. It never existed. Don't ask me why; it's just the way it was built. But my lack of a door is not an invitation to come into my office whenever you please. In case you haven't been able to tell, I am grumpy. A lot (see title of this blog). And I am even more grumpy at work because of some of the idiotic things I have to deal with. So it's beyond me why anyone - outside of the people I'm actually friends with at work - would want to come and talk to me. Is it the scowl on my face, or my office being in general disarray that invites people in and makes them want to tell me about their uneventful drive home? Maybe it's my refusal to acknowledge the person standing in my office that tells that person, "I should tell her about the dress I helped pick out for my son's girlfriend!" Maybe it's my being on the phone, literally talking to someone, that gives a person the unrelenting urge to come to my office and start asking me why they haven't seen me all day. It might be because I've been in my office, doing work. What a novel idea!

What more can I do to show someone that they're an unwelcome interruption in my day?? Next time, I'm just going to them to get the hell out of my office.

A Lesson in Email Correspondence

What's the object of emails? It's written correspondence, right? I write something to you, you READ IT and write something back to me, I do the same, and so on and so forth. It's like IM, only slower... or letters, only faster.

Anyway, the only way one can effectively respond back to someone is by - say it with me, children - READING the received email first. Otherwise, what are you responding back to??

Now, I thought this little tidbit was common sense... that it was just the natural order of things. Nay. Rather, I find myself having to remind people who reply to my emails that they should go back and "carefully read" my original message, and then "respond accordingly." I'll give you a good example, generalized for the protection of the stupid:

I receive a document from a colleague that requires revisions. I send said document back to the colleague, outlining the revisions that need to be made. The document comes back to me, missing various requested revisions. I send it back, outlining which revisions still need to be addressed.

Email from Colleague: Please see the attached corrected document.

Email from me to Colleague: Xxxxx, I already received this document yesterday, but the requested revisions have not been made. I sent a follow up request to your office yesterday afternoon. Please see the request, which I have attached here.

Email from Colleague, 15 minutes later: Please see the attached document, which was also sent to you yesterday. Is it still incorrect? Please advise.


Ummmm... I'm not sure which part of my email was unclear. Was it the part where I said I already received the document yesterday? Maybe it was the part where I said the requested revisions had still not been made. Maybe the attachment is what confused her. Or maybe she didn't read my GD email. I'm pretty sure it's the last one, since I responded back to her, asking her to read my previous email, and she has not since replied back.

Final note: I know we all like to skim emails, especially long ones. But if you're in a work environment and don't want to look like a moron, please remember that READING IS FUNDAMENTAL.

Revival

Okay, so after a (close to) 2 year hiatus from my blog, I decided to revive it. Mildly random, yes, but then so is this whole blog. I was reading Paul's earlier today, and it reminded me of how much I actually liked writing in this thing, so now I'm back. And you wanna hear something really pathetic? I was reading some of my old posts and they were cracking me up. It made me realize how many ridiculous moments I have on a day-to-day basis... and how easily frustrated I am.

So what to write about now? Oh, right. Let's talk about how I cracked my AFO today.

AFO = Ankle-Foot Orthotic. I wear one on my right leg because my foot is paralyzed from the ankle down. I can still walk without it, but really only around the house. Anyway, for those of you who don't know, this is what they typically look like:



So today, my boss' son was in the office. He's 8, and a total sweetheart. We had been bonding over barbecue chips and his hunt for the mice that seem to be infesting our office building. (Yes, I know, it's problematic.) At the end of the day, they're getting ready to go home, and he's in his mom's office with this back to the door. I think it might be funny to kind of sneak up behind him and try to startle him. (I never said I was terribly mature.) So I took a mini-leap into my boss' office, but my left/good foot kind of trips on the wood in the doorway and I land a little awkwardly and hear this snapping sound. I thought I might have popped the strap of my AFO, but I started walking a little bit, and everything felt fine. Well, I started walking back to my own office and something felt a little loose. I sat down and looked, and I had managed to crack my AFO, starting from the right side of the ankle horizontally across and just past where my Achilles tendon is. And when I say "crack," I mean "break". It looks kind of like when you break a fingernail.

So my dumbass now has to make an appointment to be plaster-casted and fitted for a new AFO, which may take a day or two to actually get. I may or may not be staying home from work tomorrow because I am afraid to walk around and completely snap the thing in half. And my mobility is now even more impaired than it was before. The lesson here? Don't try to sneak up on children for your own amusement.

I really do love this city

So apparently, DC has something called "Foto Week" where various photography exhibits are on display all around the city. I am evidently totally out of touch, because Christina had to alert me to such an event. Anyway, we went to one exhibit called "A Disenchanted Playroom" at the Goethe Institute. This German photographer basically sat kids in front of a TV, watching cartoons I think, and took pictures of their facial expressions as they watched. The result was 13 children, all with blank stares, just totally deadpan. It was a pretty interesting experiment, ending with 13 really kind of creepy photographs. I suppose the idea is to spark a discussion about what we're putting our kids through, and how desensitized the next generation is becoming. Pretty cool.

But the next exhibit was really awesome. It was at the 6th & I Synagogue - an exhibit called "Soul Cages" by Joshua Cogan. His background is in anthropology, and his work has obviously taken him to some really interesting places where he's been able to take some amazing photographs. His photos really capture moments and places, helping the viewer to feel like he or she has been there, too. And besides what his photos can teach you, they're beautiful specimens of color and composition. If I had an extra $400 lying around, I'd totally buy a framed print for my house. Here's an example of one - Masai women of Tanzania:



The exhibit also included photos taken in Ethiopia, India, Washington DC, and Jamaica. Check out more of his stuff at http://www.joshuacogan.com.

I really wish I had the time to hone my photography skills... Anyway, if you have time in what's left of this week, I highly suggest checking out an exhibit or two. See the events at http://www.fotoweek.org. Happy photo viewing!

What? TV doesn't dictate YOUR life?

I thought today was Saturday. Why? Because my TV turns on in the morning according to a set time, and always on NBC. So I wake up to The Today Show. Well, apparently the normal weekday cast (Matt Lauer, Meredith Vieira, and Ann Curry) are all on assignment for the "Ends of the Earth" special or whatever it's called. So this morning, the weekend cast was on.

I thought it was Saturday. Oops.

Awash in Mediocrity

So, I finally got my new car on Sunday. Well, it's new to ME, anyway.

And as you may have guessed from the title of this entry, I got me a Toyota Corolla. Yes, I have joined the millions of people who are driving this car. And it's really not as mediocre as M.R. said! I mean, the gas mileage is already better than my old Jetta was. With a 29 city mpg rating, it beats my Jetta's highway rating! The only thing it really lacks is the sunroof, but I can live without that. Other than that, it's a reliable car with a great warranty, and I think it was an all-around great choice. Also, unlike my old car, it has a 6-disc in-dash CD changer, lots of storage space, "wood" accents, and probably won't break down every 3 weeks.

So I'm happy. I am back on the road. Now to re-conquer the highway...

I need ginko biloba

Memory is important for a lot of things. You need it to graduate school, remember important moments, get through the day and function as a normal human being. But most importantly, it should be used to remember disappointing meals.

A few weeks ago, I bought a frozen dinner that looked delicious on the box. I took it home, followed all the preparation directions, and was all excited about eating it. Bite #1 totally fell flat. Well, maybe I didn't put enough gravy or potatoes on that bite... Bite #2: equally disappointing. Well, luckily my sister is the human equivalent of a goat, so she'll eat just about anything. She finished off that meal for me. Awesome.

Today, I went to the grocery store to pick up some things and grab some lunch. I went to the frozen food aisle, picked up a meal that looked delicious on the box, and brought it back to work. "Sweet," I thought, "a nice, hot meal for this cold day..." Well, I opened the box, and the packaging and preparation directions seemed eerily familiar to me. Yeah, you guessed it. I bought that same disappointing meal that I couldn't bring myself to finish all those weeks ago. Unfortunately for me, we're in a recession (and even if the country technically isn't, I sure as hell am), and it's no time to waste food. Also, my goat-sister isn't here, so guess what... I'm chokin' that bad boy down like my life depended on it.

Marie Callendar's Country Fried Steak with Mashed Potatoes and Gravy and Glazed Carrots.
Please don't let me buy it again.

Car Shopping

I hate it.

I just want a brand new car that's fully loaded with a phenomenal warranty and free maintenance for life. And I want to pay next to nothing for it.

Is that too much to ask????

Yo Voté!!!

So I voted yesterday, and look what happened! We have a half white, half Kenyan, with an Indonesian stepfather in office! WHOO HOO!!!!!!!

And yes, I'm happy. Obviously. As I said weeks before, I knew who I was going to be voting for pretty early in the campaign, and I am a registered democrat.

But honestly, regardless of who you voted for, however you feel about the results, you should be proud to have been around for this moment in history. I was born in 1981, and I can't really remember an historical moment (a POSITIVE historical moment) like this in my lifetime. And this is monumental. I just hope that we can all drop our partisan attitudes to unify this country and pull it out of the mess it's in.

If you voted yesterday, GOOD FOR YOU! You helped make history!

Mark is Awesome

While discussing my having to get a new car...

M.R.: Toyota Corollas... best vehicles on the market jk
Me: what do you drive?
M.R.: Toyota Corolla 06
Me: lol... Oh. Do you love it? I hated my car, mostly because it was just a lemon. But it sure did protect me.
M.R.: Lemon?
Me: There was always something wrong with it.
M.R.: Well, my car is mediocre in everything. Mediocre in gas mileage, handling, price.
Me: lol...
M.R.: But hey, you always see people with their 10 year old Corollas running on the streets. And there's a reason for that. They last. 'Cause they're so medicre at everything.

The Value of Life

I was in a really bad car accident this morning. I mean REALLY bad.

I was on 495, heading south towards Virginia, in the far left lane. My car started to fishtail (it had been raining) and then started to drift into the next lane. I turned my wheel to the left to try to get back into my original lane, but the car wouldn't obey... I suppose my big mistake was when I panicked and hit the brakes, because that's when I started to hydroplane. I slid all the way over to the right, my car spun out, hit the wooded area/foliage off of the shoulder, and then just when I thought that's where my car would stop, it happened. My car flipped. Yes, my car FLIPPED OVER, landing on the hood and roof and leaving me hanging upside-down in the driver's seat.

It's very surreal, being in your car when it's overturned on the side of the highway. My first thought was to find my phone, because I wasn't sure if I would be able to get myself out of there, and I needed to call 911. When I couldn't find my phone, I tried to unbuckle my seatbelt, which took a few attempts but I finally got it off. I dropped a short distance, and then tried to find my phone again with no luck. I looked over to the window to see if I could get out that way. Luckily it was shattered, and I crawled out of it.

I just stood there, staring at my car for a few minutes, halfway crying and halfway trying to figure out what to do next. No one had stopped to see if I needed help... not yet, anyway... and I couldn't find my phone. When I finally found it, I dialed 911, but at that point a really nice couple had pulled over and told me that they were already on the phone with emergency services and that they were sending someone out there.

I examined myself as I stood there with them by the side of the road, and realized that I was totally fine... No pains, everything functioning, and only a few cuts on my hand from where I crawled out of the car over broken glass. Every emergency response person who was there looked at me with an odd disbelief. I suppose they thought I should still be stuck in the car or very badly injured. But I wasn't...

While I was in the ambulance pulling away from the scene, I saw my car. It was one of those things you see but never think that it'll happen to you. But things like that have the chance of happening to anyone. I was EXTREMELY fortunate and blessed to walk away from that accident. And I realized that I, and most people, really often conduct themselves with that, "It'll never happen to me" attitude. The truth is that I think we should all stop living our lives with that type of disregard. It happened to me, and I lived to tell the tale. But your life is really not something you should play games with. It should be valued and cherished.

LESSONS LEARNED:
1.) ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS wear your seatbelt. I'm telling you, it'll save your life. Lord knows where I'd be right now if I hadn't been wearing mine.
2.) Invest in an emergency kit for your car... something that includes devices that will cut your seatbelt and break your windows, in the event that you're trapped.
3.) ALWAYS have your phone, identification, and medical insurance card with you. You should also carry or program into your phone some emergency contacts that are clearly labeled. For example, all of my family's phone numbers are saved as "Mom," "Dad," "Sister," and "HOME" so that there is no confusion if an EMT ever had to call someone for you.
4.) NEVER take life for granted.

I wonder...

Ya know, I wonder what it's like to be nice to EVERYBODY, even if you don't like them. I mean, I am pretty good at being fake, but truthfully, it drains me. If I don't like you, you're gonna know it. I won't be mean to you. I won't say horrid things to you. I won't abuse you. I won't ANYTHING you. I guess that's how you know: I can kinda treat you like you don't exist.

But in the office, you witness fakeness all the time. And I don't mean being professional. I can be professional. If I have to work with you, and I don't like you, I'll still work with you and get shit done. But don't expect me to go to lunch with you, or converse with you outside the scope of our work. I just mean that there are people that I work with who I KNOW don't like other people. Yet they manage to carry on conversations with them, and joke with them, and act like nothing is going on. I kind of envy that ability... KIND OF.

I just wonder what it must be like to be able to do that. Because, I gotta tell ya, I am COMPLETELY incapable of it.

Voice Imodulation Syndrome

From a Weekend Update skit on SNL, where Will Ferrell plays Jacob Silj... Watch the video here.

Will Ferrell: (in a loud voice) Thank you Tina. Our relations with China have long been shaped by a tug of war between economic interests and political ideologies.

Tina Fey: Holy God.

Will Ferrell: Yes, I'll get to religion Tina, but first Taiwan (pulls out map) A Japanese colony until 1945 --

Tina Fey: No Jacob. Your voice.

Will Ferrell: My voice?

Tina Fey: You're shouting.

Will Ferrell: How dare you. I have a voice related medical condition.

Tina Fey: Oh, I'm very sorry.

Will Ferrell: I suffer from voice immodulation Tina. I'm unable to control the pitch or volume of my voice. Also known as Van Horton's Syndrome, VI is a recognized psycho-medical condition which you may have read about in Newsweek or Crack Magazine. Numerous prominent Americans suffer from this debilitating disease Tina, including the guy who played Rodge on "What's Happening" and tennis great Pete Sampras.

Tina Fey: Jacob, I've heard Pete Sampras speak and he doesn't shout all the time.

Will Ferrell: Pete Sampras has low grade voice immodulation. He is a poster child for voice immodulation awareness and proof that even the voice immodulated can contribute to a society filled with prejudice people like you. Tina.

Tina Fey: Jacob, that's not fair.

Will Ferrell: Fair! I'll tell you what's not fair, Tina. Imagine being at a high school dance, singing along with everyone else "and a little bit softer now, and a little bit softer now, and a little bit softer now." Or how about sitting in the privacy of your church confessional and whispering to your priest, "I've had impure thoughts about that hippy puppet in the Muppet Show Band."

Tina Fey: Janice?

Will Ferrell: Janice, yes. Or looking into a woman's eyes and gently murmuring to her, "I want to touch you, I want to touch you."

Tina Fey: OK Jacob, we get it. It's a problem.

Will Ferrell: No wonder I'm a 48 year-old virgin.

Tina Fey: Right well Jacob thanks for coming out. Thank you.

Will Ferrell: Boy Jacob, you could have taught these people a lot about China tonight if it weren't for that rude bitch.


Hilarious, right? Well it's only hilarious on SNL or when it's happening to someone else. It's NOT hilarious when you have to share an office space with someone who seems like they suffer from "VIS." I mean, obviously this girl doesn't actually suffer from that, but it sure as hell feels like it. Why... WHY must you shout at someone who is standing right next to you? We're in an office. Lower your voice, for crying out loud. No one cares about your difficulty with purchasing season football tickets. No one wants to hear your phone conversations. Need to talk to someone across the hall? Get up and go to their office. There are other people here trying to work.

In short, SHUT UP.

Hi-ya!

A.S.: You scared the shit out of me just now...
Me: I did? Why?
A.S.: I didn't see you coming down the hall.
Me: Maybe it's because I blended in... like a ninja...
**I proceed to "hi-ya," karate chop, punch, and kick the air for about 5 minutes**
A.S.: You look like a retarded ninja...
Me: But the point is, I look like a ninja.

I don't get it...

I like art. Despite my obvious technical inclinations, I think things that are creative and beautiful and that evoke certain emotions. The National Gallery of Art is probably my most favorite museum in Washington, DC, and I could spend simply hours there, just gazing at artwork and taking it in.

That being said, I really don't get modern art. When I go to the NGA, I spend most of my time in the West Building. That's where the more classical art is: Monet, Degas, Vermeer, Whistler, etc. The East Building, I don't really dig so much. I guess I just don't know what classifies it as "art." I know most modern art is supposed to make some sort of a statement - whether it be a proud declaration of rebellion or an abstract conveyance of emotion. But a haphazard arrangement of Pick-Up Sticks or a pile of spaghetti doesn't feel like art to me. I went to a small exhibit with a friend relatively recently, where they displayed a wall of Ziploc bags filled with various things... some sort of "baggie project," I guess. Some of them, I understood... They were obvious. Like the bag that was called, "Looking for a Good Time," and contained a pack of cigarettes, so me beer bottle caps, a condom, and some matchbooks from clubs. But then there were others, like the one that had a piece of string and helium in it, or the one that just had creamed corn. Selling for how much? $100.

So I don't get it. Creamed corn is "art" because someone put it in a plastic bag and pinned it to the wall? And it's not even like it had some title that would show you that it was meant to be a metaphor or something, like "Humanity Today" or whatever. It was just titled, "Creamed Corn." Sorry, but I'm not paying $100 to purchase something that will soon be growing it's own colony of something else. Maybe that's why it's art... because it's the piece that keeps on re-creating itself... until finally you're left with partially decomposed corn, a swarm of gnats, and maybe a new strain of illness in your house.

I don't understand. Therefore, I invite all of you to help clue me in. Explain modern art to me. Like, what makes this a famous artwork:



I think my nephew drew something not unlike this on his shirt on Saturday. Except he did it by accident while messing around with crayons...

"The theme for my design is the lobby of The Golden Clone, a cloning agency. Not to offend or anything, but just because 2 people are good-looking, sometimes they have really busted kids."
-Eddie, Top Design contestant

Quote + The look on his face when he said it + His tone = Me laughing hysterically.

Because, let's face it, it's the truth.

Quotes from the Weekend

A.S.: Digestive cookies??
Me: That says, "Distinctive..."
A.S.: Oh. I just saw the "Di..." and made the rest up myself.

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Me: But why would they put me in the combo class? I thought I was pretty smart back then...
D.M.: HA!

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Me: You're getting another plate of food?
N.P.: Yup. And you're gonna sit here with me until I finish it, too.

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N.P.: Why did we like spinning around poles so much when we were little?

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Me: She sent the lyrics to "Kokomo," and the first thing that poppped into my head was that funky hamster dance music.

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My cousin (who is a recent immigrant) via text message to my sister: Can you tell me what does "youngin" mean? But don't tell anybody that I asked you...

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Me: Can I steal one of these book covers?? I bet I still know how to properly cover my books.
My old 8th grade homeroom teacher: Yes, you were very talented at that. You were always prepared.
Me: Yeah, I was a big nerd, huh? I know it...
Teacher: Well, the principal is going to ask you for money later on, so I don't want to say anything that might offend you...