I really do love this city

So apparently, DC has something called "Foto Week" where various photography exhibits are on display all around the city. I am evidently totally out of touch, because Christina had to alert me to such an event. Anyway, we went to one exhibit called "A Disenchanted Playroom" at the Goethe Institute. This German photographer basically sat kids in front of a TV, watching cartoons I think, and took pictures of their facial expressions as they watched. The result was 13 children, all with blank stares, just totally deadpan. It was a pretty interesting experiment, ending with 13 really kind of creepy photographs. I suppose the idea is to spark a discussion about what we're putting our kids through, and how desensitized the next generation is becoming. Pretty cool.

But the next exhibit was really awesome. It was at the 6th & I Synagogue - an exhibit called "Soul Cages" by Joshua Cogan. His background is in anthropology, and his work has obviously taken him to some really interesting places where he's been able to take some amazing photographs. His photos really capture moments and places, helping the viewer to feel like he or she has been there, too. And besides what his photos can teach you, they're beautiful specimens of color and composition. If I had an extra $400 lying around, I'd totally buy a framed print for my house. Here's an example of one - Masai women of Tanzania:



The exhibit also included photos taken in Ethiopia, India, Washington DC, and Jamaica. Check out more of his stuff at http://www.joshuacogan.com.

I really wish I had the time to hone my photography skills... Anyway, if you have time in what's left of this week, I highly suggest checking out an exhibit or two. See the events at http://www.fotoweek.org. Happy photo viewing!

What? TV doesn't dictate YOUR life?

I thought today was Saturday. Why? Because my TV turns on in the morning according to a set time, and always on NBC. So I wake up to The Today Show. Well, apparently the normal weekday cast (Matt Lauer, Meredith Vieira, and Ann Curry) are all on assignment for the "Ends of the Earth" special or whatever it's called. So this morning, the weekend cast was on.

I thought it was Saturday. Oops.

Awash in Mediocrity

So, I finally got my new car on Sunday. Well, it's new to ME, anyway.

And as you may have guessed from the title of this entry, I got me a Toyota Corolla. Yes, I have joined the millions of people who are driving this car. And it's really not as mediocre as M.R. said! I mean, the gas mileage is already better than my old Jetta was. With a 29 city mpg rating, it beats my Jetta's highway rating! The only thing it really lacks is the sunroof, but I can live without that. Other than that, it's a reliable car with a great warranty, and I think it was an all-around great choice. Also, unlike my old car, it has a 6-disc in-dash CD changer, lots of storage space, "wood" accents, and probably won't break down every 3 weeks.

So I'm happy. I am back on the road. Now to re-conquer the highway...

I need ginko biloba

Memory is important for a lot of things. You need it to graduate school, remember important moments, get through the day and function as a normal human being. But most importantly, it should be used to remember disappointing meals.

A few weeks ago, I bought a frozen dinner that looked delicious on the box. I took it home, followed all the preparation directions, and was all excited about eating it. Bite #1 totally fell flat. Well, maybe I didn't put enough gravy or potatoes on that bite... Bite #2: equally disappointing. Well, luckily my sister is the human equivalent of a goat, so she'll eat just about anything. She finished off that meal for me. Awesome.

Today, I went to the grocery store to pick up some things and grab some lunch. I went to the frozen food aisle, picked up a meal that looked delicious on the box, and brought it back to work. "Sweet," I thought, "a nice, hot meal for this cold day..." Well, I opened the box, and the packaging and preparation directions seemed eerily familiar to me. Yeah, you guessed it. I bought that same disappointing meal that I couldn't bring myself to finish all those weeks ago. Unfortunately for me, we're in a recession (and even if the country technically isn't, I sure as hell am), and it's no time to waste food. Also, my goat-sister isn't here, so guess what... I'm chokin' that bad boy down like my life depended on it.

Marie Callendar's Country Fried Steak with Mashed Potatoes and Gravy and Glazed Carrots.
Please don't let me buy it again.

Car Shopping

I hate it.

I just want a brand new car that's fully loaded with a phenomenal warranty and free maintenance for life. And I want to pay next to nothing for it.

Is that too much to ask????

Yo Voté!!!

So I voted yesterday, and look what happened! We have a half white, half Kenyan, with an Indonesian stepfather in office! WHOO HOO!!!!!!!

And yes, I'm happy. Obviously. As I said weeks before, I knew who I was going to be voting for pretty early in the campaign, and I am a registered democrat.

But honestly, regardless of who you voted for, however you feel about the results, you should be proud to have been around for this moment in history. I was born in 1981, and I can't really remember an historical moment (a POSITIVE historical moment) like this in my lifetime. And this is monumental. I just hope that we can all drop our partisan attitudes to unify this country and pull it out of the mess it's in.

If you voted yesterday, GOOD FOR YOU! You helped make history!

Mark is Awesome

While discussing my having to get a new car...

M.R.: Toyota Corollas... best vehicles on the market jk
Me: what do you drive?
M.R.: Toyota Corolla 06
Me: lol... Oh. Do you love it? I hated my car, mostly because it was just a lemon. But it sure did protect me.
M.R.: Lemon?
Me: There was always something wrong with it.
M.R.: Well, my car is mediocre in everything. Mediocre in gas mileage, handling, price.
Me: lol...
M.R.: But hey, you always see people with their 10 year old Corollas running on the streets. And there's a reason for that. They last. 'Cause they're so medicre at everything.

The Value of Life

I was in a really bad car accident this morning. I mean REALLY bad.

I was on 495, heading south towards Virginia, in the far left lane. My car started to fishtail (it had been raining) and then started to drift into the next lane. I turned my wheel to the left to try to get back into my original lane, but the car wouldn't obey... I suppose my big mistake was when I panicked and hit the brakes, because that's when I started to hydroplane. I slid all the way over to the right, my car spun out, hit the wooded area/foliage off of the shoulder, and then just when I thought that's where my car would stop, it happened. My car flipped. Yes, my car FLIPPED OVER, landing on the hood and roof and leaving me hanging upside-down in the driver's seat.

It's very surreal, being in your car when it's overturned on the side of the highway. My first thought was to find my phone, because I wasn't sure if I would be able to get myself out of there, and I needed to call 911. When I couldn't find my phone, I tried to unbuckle my seatbelt, which took a few attempts but I finally got it off. I dropped a short distance, and then tried to find my phone again with no luck. I looked over to the window to see if I could get out that way. Luckily it was shattered, and I crawled out of it.

I just stood there, staring at my car for a few minutes, halfway crying and halfway trying to figure out what to do next. No one had stopped to see if I needed help... not yet, anyway... and I couldn't find my phone. When I finally found it, I dialed 911, but at that point a really nice couple had pulled over and told me that they were already on the phone with emergency services and that they were sending someone out there.

I examined myself as I stood there with them by the side of the road, and realized that I was totally fine... No pains, everything functioning, and only a few cuts on my hand from where I crawled out of the car over broken glass. Every emergency response person who was there looked at me with an odd disbelief. I suppose they thought I should still be stuck in the car or very badly injured. But I wasn't...

While I was in the ambulance pulling away from the scene, I saw my car. It was one of those things you see but never think that it'll happen to you. But things like that have the chance of happening to anyone. I was EXTREMELY fortunate and blessed to walk away from that accident. And I realized that I, and most people, really often conduct themselves with that, "It'll never happen to me" attitude. The truth is that I think we should all stop living our lives with that type of disregard. It happened to me, and I lived to tell the tale. But your life is really not something you should play games with. It should be valued and cherished.

LESSONS LEARNED:
1.) ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS wear your seatbelt. I'm telling you, it'll save your life. Lord knows where I'd be right now if I hadn't been wearing mine.
2.) Invest in an emergency kit for your car... something that includes devices that will cut your seatbelt and break your windows, in the event that you're trapped.
3.) ALWAYS have your phone, identification, and medical insurance card with you. You should also carry or program into your phone some emergency contacts that are clearly labeled. For example, all of my family's phone numbers are saved as "Mom," "Dad," "Sister," and "HOME" so that there is no confusion if an EMT ever had to call someone for you.
4.) NEVER take life for granted.

I wonder...

Ya know, I wonder what it's like to be nice to EVERYBODY, even if you don't like them. I mean, I am pretty good at being fake, but truthfully, it drains me. If I don't like you, you're gonna know it. I won't be mean to you. I won't say horrid things to you. I won't abuse you. I won't ANYTHING you. I guess that's how you know: I can kinda treat you like you don't exist.

But in the office, you witness fakeness all the time. And I don't mean being professional. I can be professional. If I have to work with you, and I don't like you, I'll still work with you and get shit done. But don't expect me to go to lunch with you, or converse with you outside the scope of our work. I just mean that there are people that I work with who I KNOW don't like other people. Yet they manage to carry on conversations with them, and joke with them, and act like nothing is going on. I kind of envy that ability... KIND OF.

I just wonder what it must be like to be able to do that. Because, I gotta tell ya, I am COMPLETELY incapable of it.

Voice Imodulation Syndrome

From a Weekend Update skit on SNL, where Will Ferrell plays Jacob Silj... Watch the video here.

Will Ferrell: (in a loud voice) Thank you Tina. Our relations with China have long been shaped by a tug of war between economic interests and political ideologies.

Tina Fey: Holy God.

Will Ferrell: Yes, I'll get to religion Tina, but first Taiwan (pulls out map) A Japanese colony until 1945 --

Tina Fey: No Jacob. Your voice.

Will Ferrell: My voice?

Tina Fey: You're shouting.

Will Ferrell: How dare you. I have a voice related medical condition.

Tina Fey: Oh, I'm very sorry.

Will Ferrell: I suffer from voice immodulation Tina. I'm unable to control the pitch or volume of my voice. Also known as Van Horton's Syndrome, VI is a recognized psycho-medical condition which you may have read about in Newsweek or Crack Magazine. Numerous prominent Americans suffer from this debilitating disease Tina, including the guy who played Rodge on "What's Happening" and tennis great Pete Sampras.

Tina Fey: Jacob, I've heard Pete Sampras speak and he doesn't shout all the time.

Will Ferrell: Pete Sampras has low grade voice immodulation. He is a poster child for voice immodulation awareness and proof that even the voice immodulated can contribute to a society filled with prejudice people like you. Tina.

Tina Fey: Jacob, that's not fair.

Will Ferrell: Fair! I'll tell you what's not fair, Tina. Imagine being at a high school dance, singing along with everyone else "and a little bit softer now, and a little bit softer now, and a little bit softer now." Or how about sitting in the privacy of your church confessional and whispering to your priest, "I've had impure thoughts about that hippy puppet in the Muppet Show Band."

Tina Fey: Janice?

Will Ferrell: Janice, yes. Or looking into a woman's eyes and gently murmuring to her, "I want to touch you, I want to touch you."

Tina Fey: OK Jacob, we get it. It's a problem.

Will Ferrell: No wonder I'm a 48 year-old virgin.

Tina Fey: Right well Jacob thanks for coming out. Thank you.

Will Ferrell: Boy Jacob, you could have taught these people a lot about China tonight if it weren't for that rude bitch.


Hilarious, right? Well it's only hilarious on SNL or when it's happening to someone else. It's NOT hilarious when you have to share an office space with someone who seems like they suffer from "VIS." I mean, obviously this girl doesn't actually suffer from that, but it sure as hell feels like it. Why... WHY must you shout at someone who is standing right next to you? We're in an office. Lower your voice, for crying out loud. No one cares about your difficulty with purchasing season football tickets. No one wants to hear your phone conversations. Need to talk to someone across the hall? Get up and go to their office. There are other people here trying to work.

In short, SHUT UP.

Hi-ya!

A.S.: You scared the shit out of me just now...
Me: I did? Why?
A.S.: I didn't see you coming down the hall.
Me: Maybe it's because I blended in... like a ninja...
**I proceed to "hi-ya," karate chop, punch, and kick the air for about 5 minutes**
A.S.: You look like a retarded ninja...
Me: But the point is, I look like a ninja.

I don't get it...

I like art. Despite my obvious technical inclinations, I think things that are creative and beautiful and that evoke certain emotions. The National Gallery of Art is probably my most favorite museum in Washington, DC, and I could spend simply hours there, just gazing at artwork and taking it in.

That being said, I really don't get modern art. When I go to the NGA, I spend most of my time in the West Building. That's where the more classical art is: Monet, Degas, Vermeer, Whistler, etc. The East Building, I don't really dig so much. I guess I just don't know what classifies it as "art." I know most modern art is supposed to make some sort of a statement - whether it be a proud declaration of rebellion or an abstract conveyance of emotion. But a haphazard arrangement of Pick-Up Sticks or a pile of spaghetti doesn't feel like art to me. I went to a small exhibit with a friend relatively recently, where they displayed a wall of Ziploc bags filled with various things... some sort of "baggie project," I guess. Some of them, I understood... They were obvious. Like the bag that was called, "Looking for a Good Time," and contained a pack of cigarettes, so me beer bottle caps, a condom, and some matchbooks from clubs. But then there were others, like the one that had a piece of string and helium in it, or the one that just had creamed corn. Selling for how much? $100.

So I don't get it. Creamed corn is "art" because someone put it in a plastic bag and pinned it to the wall? And it's not even like it had some title that would show you that it was meant to be a metaphor or something, like "Humanity Today" or whatever. It was just titled, "Creamed Corn." Sorry, but I'm not paying $100 to purchase something that will soon be growing it's own colony of something else. Maybe that's why it's art... because it's the piece that keeps on re-creating itself... until finally you're left with partially decomposed corn, a swarm of gnats, and maybe a new strain of illness in your house.

I don't understand. Therefore, I invite all of you to help clue me in. Explain modern art to me. Like, what makes this a famous artwork:



I think my nephew drew something not unlike this on his shirt on Saturday. Except he did it by accident while messing around with crayons...

"The theme for my design is the lobby of The Golden Clone, a cloning agency. Not to offend or anything, but just because 2 people are good-looking, sometimes they have really busted kids."
-Eddie, Top Design contestant

Quote + The look on his face when he said it + His tone = Me laughing hysterically.

Because, let's face it, it's the truth.

Quotes from the Weekend

A.S.: Digestive cookies??
Me: That says, "Distinctive..."
A.S.: Oh. I just saw the "Di..." and made the rest up myself.

**************************************************

Me: But why would they put me in the combo class? I thought I was pretty smart back then...
D.M.: HA!

**************************************************

Me: You're getting another plate of food?
N.P.: Yup. And you're gonna sit here with me until I finish it, too.

**************************************************

N.P.: Why did we like spinning around poles so much when we were little?

**************************************************

Me: She sent the lyrics to "Kokomo," and the first thing that poppped into my head was that funky hamster dance music.

**************************************************

My cousin (who is a recent immigrant) via text message to my sister: Can you tell me what does "youngin" mean? But don't tell anybody that I asked you...

**************************************************

Me: Can I steal one of these book covers?? I bet I still know how to properly cover my books.
My old 8th grade homeroom teacher: Yes, you were very talented at that. You were always prepared.
Me: Yeah, I was a big nerd, huh? I know it...
Teacher: Well, the principal is going to ask you for money later on, so I don't want to say anything that might offend you...

The Burger King Drive Thru

I pull up to the drive thru order box thingie...
Drive Thru Attendant (in a very incoherent, Rocky Balboa manner): Welcome to fdsjaoi eauieafe... sandwich fa; jfioeawifafkaf... try it?
Me: Uhhh... well I have no idea what you just said, but can I have an Original Chicken Sandwich, please?
DTA (chuckling): Oh, I was just telling you about our new Italian Chicken Sandwich, that has mozzarella and marinara sauce. Would you like to try it?
Me: Oh. No thanks. Can I just get the Original Chicken Sandwich meal with an orange soda, please?
DTA: Okay. Your total is $5.93. Next window please...

I pull up to the next window, where the cashier is waiting to take my payment. I hand her my credit card...
Drive Thru Cashier: $5.93 please... thank you, and we had to keep that up because of what was going on when we didn't...
I'm staring blankly at her, thinking she may be talking to someone on the other end of the headset she's wearing.
DTC: ...because what was happening was that when we didn't keep it up, things would happen. And if you didn't do it, you'd be murdered...
I'm now peering around to see if someone is behind her or something, but she's looking square at me. I realize now that she is evidently answering some mysterious question that I never asked.
DTC: ... and so that was the policy that the company maintained, and we kept that confidential. Okay? Here's your credit card and receipt. Your order will be ready for you at the next window.
Me: Ha... Thanks...

At the next window, the DTA is waiting to give me my order... He makes small talk with me about my tattoo and has a big grin plastered on his face. I would've thought it was way creepy if he hadn't actually been really cute and young.

But anyway, I just thought I'd share my bizarre Burger King experience. I'm really really curious to know what that woman was talking about.

It's not just a legend anymore...

This weekend, I went up to Pennsylvania with my sister, brother in law, and nephews to spend a Day out with Thomas (the Tank Engine, in case you didn't guess it or click on the link). Before you start thinking things: Yes, I am a loser who doesn't have her own husband or kids, so I hang out with my sister's family and yes, I enjoy spending time with my nephew and doing kids' things. Incidentally, I found out what a huge rockstar Thomas really is. I mean, he's just a blue tank engine, but kids LOVE him. Several were donned in Thomas gear, and when that train pulled up to the station, it was like Michael Jackson in the '80s.

Anyway, after a long, hot day on the Strasburg Railroad, we all headed home, but I was starving and asked if we could stop at a drive-thru or something so I could eat. I was initially looking for a Burger King. I love their Original Chicken Sandwich, and their french fries are 10x better than McDonald's, as far as I'm concerned. As we're driving, I see KFC, McDonald's, Wendy's, A&W........ No Burger King.

But then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw it... like a shining beacon. No, it was not Burger King. Rather, it was the stuff of legends... my Holy Grail of Fast Food. It was a Sonic. Yes, people, a SONIC. I'd seen the commercials - the oh so hilarious commercials - and wondered where the hell there was a Sonic anywhere within a hundred miles of me. I'd been lusting after their slushes, which are half price during their "Happy Hour." I craved their all day breakfast selections. And I longed to be one of the girls who ordered the "two fried ice cream" Blasts. And now... now I got to be one of those people. Like a loser, I "ooh"-ed and "ahh"-ed over their menu. I think it literally took us 15 minutes to make a decision.

I settled on a bacon cheeseburger and a watermelon Slush. Holy crap, that was one of the best fast food burgers I've ever had. I think it comes second only to In-and-Out Burgers in CA. The Slush was the perfect drink for that morbidly hot day, and we went home satisfied.

It's not just a legend anymore. I got my Sonic fix. I got to sit in that little drive-in booth, where the servers bring the food to your car. I got to pretend (just in my head, though) that I was in one of those commercials. It was totally worth making my brother in law cross 3 lanes of traffic to get to it.

Sonic, I love you, and I wish you'd open up a location in the Washington Metro area.

Autumn is here...

You know how I can tell? I mean, besides the fact that it's September...

I walk outside in the morning on the way to work, and that brisk chill hits me. No, it's not what one would consider "cold," I guess. But it's a little nippy. Then I walk out again at lunch, and it's boiling hot. I go home in the evening, and it's chilly again.

But the mornings especially get me. I feel that chill in the air and all of a sudden, I'm 15 again... Standing at the goddamn bus stop, waiting to go to school. I'm freezing my nips off. "Why not dress more warmly?" you ask? Well, because I went to private school. Yeah, that's right. I'm a Catholic school girl - a less slutty version of what girls dress up as on Halloween, but way cooler than Mary Katherine Gallagher (superstar!). By high school, when I was deemed old enough to take the bus, I was on my own getting to school. I stood out there wearing that Godforsaken skirt... and it was a kilt (i.e. it was pleated and wrapped around as opposed to being something you step into), which was especially precarious on windy days. I had one of two options: a.) wear those hideous "flesh" colored tights to keep myself warm or 2.) wear sweatpants under my skirt, which was the option most often exercised by me. Only problem with that one was if I was late to school... because then I'd have to scramble to get the damned things off and into my locker before my first class started. What can I say? I'm clumsy.

I miss high school, but I do NOT miss the bus. I do NOT miss lugging my heavy backpack while TAKING the bus. I do not miss the hoots and hollers from random men and day laborers while WAITING FOR the bus. I do not miss freezing my ass off because of some stupid skirt. I thank God for my drivers' license and the right to wear pants!!!

I had a piece of cake yesterday that tasted like Tootsie Rolls.


Too bad I don't like Tootsie Rolls...............

Daffy and Donald

Why doesn't the cartoon world like ducks? Disney and Warner Brothers. I think anyone would agree that they have traditionally been considered the two cartoon powerhouses, at least in America. Disney has Mickey. Warner Brothers has Bugs. The arch-nemesis for both characters? A duck. Mickey : Donald::Bugs : Daffy

Why is that? Why ducks? Is there something about them that seemed particularly disagreeable to the cartoon creators of yesteryear? I mean, I guess Disney didn't make Donald SO evil. He and Mickey are actually friends to an extent... but Donald has some bitterness towards Mickey, for sure. As far as Bugs and Daffy go, I don't know why we're supposed to love Bugs so much. If you watch any cartoon with them together, Bugs Bunny is as much of an asshole as Daffy is. They just set it up so that we know we're supposed to like Bugs better.

So what's the preoccupation with angry ducks? Why not geese? From my own personal experience, I know that geese are WAY more surly than ducks could ever be.

Damned geese.

Okay, so it has begun...

Let me preface this by saying that, yes, I am a registered democrat.

That being said, I am going to make some commentary on the Democratic and Republican National Conventions.

Obviously, I spent much more time watching the DNC vs the few minutes of the RNC that I'm currently catching. Fred Thompson is speaking at the moment...

At first look, the RNC has a decidedly different energy than the DNC. The DNC was much more exciting... exemplified more hope and joy. I don't know about the other speeches that preceded Thompson's, and I understand that his point is to showcase the courage and dedication of John McCain to our country, but it was definitely depressing. I totally respect John McCain for his military history and his allegiance to the United States, but that's not to say that Obama isn't equally dedicated.

Watching the RNC, I can see why the republican party maintains the epithet of GOP (Grand Old Party). As the camera pans around to the crowd, most of the spectators look to be senior citizens. Gray or white hair... wrinkles... old fashioned clothes. Even the young men are wearing polka dot bowties. I swear, I saw a straw hat in there somewhere. I get tradition. I understand it's value. But I also understand the value of progress and change.

I'm getting pretty sick of these folks criticizing Barack Obama and his "celebrity" status. Yeah, he's popular. You know why? Because people want to see something in this country change. And truthfully, I think it's ridiculous and hypocritical that the people who are bad-mouthing Obama as a celebrity represent the same party to has elected such celebrities as Ronald Reagan (actor) and Arnold Schwarzenegger (actor and body builder) into office. And Fred Thompson? I knew him first as an actor on Law & Order. Sonny Bono? Recording artist turned mayor - Republican. Clint Eastwood? Actor turned mayor - Republican. So I guess it's okay to be a celebrity turned politician, but not a politician who has gained celebrity because of his high ideals.

Whatever. This is just my current commentary. I can't speak on much more because I don't know enough about the republican party and their history or whatever. But stay tuned for more once the debates start.

Some food for thought...

... because I ponder strange things at 3am.

- When you're at home alone, do you shut the bathroom door while you pee?
- What language do you think in?
- Which pant leg do you put on first?
- What side of the bed do you sleep on? This still applies to those of us who are single and have that big ol' bed all to ourselves...
- What's the first thing you take care of when you get in the car? Seatbelt or radio?

I may have a serious hero complex, but make no mistake... I am NO damsel in distress.

An Open Letter to the Safeway by My House

Dear Safeway,

Why do you and your staff insist on torturing me with your incompetence? Why is it that a trip to visit you never takes less than 30 minutes, even at 11pm when all I'm purchasing is milk and lotion and there is only one other customer in the store? What is the point of having 10 registers if you'll only ever have 2 of them open at any given point in time? Why is it that you only seem to hire employees who have had little to no human interaction in their lives, causing them to be stiff and awkward when placed in a customer service position?

So here's the deal, in no particular order or organization: I don't care to hear your staff arguing with each other. It makes the customer uncomfortable when they have to be subjected to coworkers who very clearly don't enjoy each other's company and are on a point of disagreement with each other... Please please PLEASE, for the love of God, open up more registers during "normal" shopping hours. One regular line and one express line, contrary to what you may believe, is not enough. And this should be evident to you when the lines snake down into the shopping aisles... I don't know what you teach in your customer service trainings, but I sincerely doubt there is a unit on "leering at female customers as they try to shop." Yes, there is a reason I avoid walking by the butcher area... If a customer is trying to purchase a gift card, and the credit card he's using to pay for it keeps getting declined, please allow the young lady behind him (who is only buying milk and lotion) to be checked out ahead of him. I swear, my milk could've gone sour in the time I stood there waiting for this man to give you his credit card number over and over and over again. I'm surprised I didn't memorize it. Then to listen to him berate his wife and blame her for the card being declined - well, that was just the icing on the cake... I know you're trying to personalize the whole grocery shopping experience, but please don't try to pronounce my last name when you hand me my receipt. It is long and ethnic. By trying to be personal, adds another 2 minutes to my trip as you try to read it in the first place, then I have to suffer through listening to you mispronounce it. I know people will mispronounce it anyway, but sometimes I don't want to bother hearing it butchered.

That's all for now. I'm tired, and I'm constantly reminded of why I always shop at Giant.

Sincerely,
Me

When did they start giving crossing guards the authority to direct traffic against a light?

Was I in a census interview that I wasn't aware of?

Just after walking out of a meeting that was behind closed doors, I run into a superintendent that works for us, who I've never seen before...

Me: Hello...
Super: Hi, how are you?
Me: I'm good, and yourself?
Super: I'm doing just fine. Nationality, please?
Me: blank stare

Expand Your Mind!

I understand that there is a large percentage of the human population out there that is not capable of thinking "outside the box." And people act like doing that is so difficult, but it's really simple, actually.

I used to work with a woman who was completely incapable of learning new things or doing any work outside of what she had been doing for the last 5 years. It was like she was a robot - programmed to do only one task, and any upgrades would be incompatable with her software. Never did I think I'd meet someone who aggravated me as much as she did on that point... until this weekend.

So A.D. and I were headed up to Baltimore for a baseball game. We were planning on staying there for the night, so I was going to leave my car at her place. Apparently, her community is cracking down non-residents leaving their cars overnight, so now you have to register your vehicle with the desk, which entails the desk person signing a permit that you leave in your windshield. Okay... fine. I can get down with that. I go in and ask the woman at the desk for a permit to leave my car overnight. She looks at me for a second like I have 3 heads, and then goes searching for them.

Desk: It looks like we don't have any more...
Me: Okay... so do I just sign something in the book or can you make new ones?
Desk: No, we don't have any more here... Let me see if I can find them.
She starts slowly moving around the desk area, arbitrarily lifting pieces of paper and pushing stacks around.
Desk: No, looks like there are none left.
She stands there staring at me.
Me: Umm... So what am I supposed to do then? You don't have a master copy that you can just photocopy and give me?
Desk: (staring blankly at me) No, let me call over to the other building and see if they have some.
Me: Well, we're kind of in a hurry here... We're late for an event (which we were).
She calls the other building, who does happen to have some one-day passes, then tells them that she's sending a resident over to pick them up... i.e. me and A.D. When we come back with them, I notice that they say that my car has to be gone by 9am the next day, which is obviously not going to happen.

Me: I was looking at these and they say that I have to be gone by 9am... Is that 9am tomorrow morning?
Desk: Yes.
Me: Well, I'm not going to be able to leave before 9am.
Desk: Well tomorrow morning, just come downstairs before 9 and we'll give you a new one.
Me: No, we're leaving and not coming back here until tomorrow afternoon. I'm not going to be here to get a new pass from you.
Desk: Ohhh... Well, I don't know then. You should've told me that before.
Me: Well, "before" I didn't know that the permit would expire at 9am. I thought it would be a 24 hour permit.
Desk: Well I thought she (pointing at A.D.) knew.
Me: How is she supposed to know if this is new and she's never had to get a pass before?? Can't you just cross out the time and put a "12pm" on there or something?
Desk: No, I'll get fired if I do that.
Come on now... Really? I seriously doubt she'll get fired for allowing me to park an extra 3 hours.
Me: Are you serious? Holy cow. Well can you just give me 2 passes, then? One for today and one for tomorrow, and I can put them both in my window?
Desk: No, management won't allow that.
Me: You gotta be kidding me...
Desk: Let me call the other building again and see if they have 2 week passes...
Me: No, forget it. We don't have time to drive over to the other building, nor do I need a 2 week pass. This is ridiculous. We'll just take my car...

We were taking A.D.'s car because she had just filled her tank with gas, and mine has been acting up. But anyway, I wish you could've been there for all of this, because this narrative doesn't even BEGIN to describe how aggravating it was dealing with this woman. We could've solved everything in one of two ways:
1.) Ask the person in the other building to give you some of each kind of pass, not just a stack of one-day passes or
2.) JUST GIVE ME 2 PASSES TO PUT IN MY WINDSHIELD!

I mean, really. Are they REALLY going to fire you for giving me an extra pass to park for an extra few hours?? Who stays somewhere overnight and is gone by 9am anyway??? The point is that this woman in no way tried to think of any solution to the situation. It was like she couldn't see past the "by the book" procedures... no way to bypass her programming. I swear, I don't know how Natural Selection has weeded all of these people out...

The Last Woman on Earth

It's Friday at 4:00pm... and everyone has left the office.

Okay, I lie. Not EVERYONE has left the office - just everyone in my particular office suite area. I feel like the last woman on Earth. It's oddly silent, except for this bizarre rattling that I hear coming from somewhere in the wall. It's really driving me nuts because I can't pinpoint the source, nor can I tell what it could be. So I've decided to turn up the Pandora to drown out both the rattling and the lack of voices.

One of our programs is down, which has severly cut my productivity... Not a bad thing, as my brain stopped functioning properly a few hours ago. Potentially, I could leave, but I know that the minute I shut my computer down and start heading out, my phone will start ringing or someone from down the hall will find me with something they need ASAP.

("ASAP"... I hate that acronym. I don't even like using it, because it has an odd connotation. I mean, people read it, and automatically think "rush." But it stands for, "as soon as possible." I see it in emails and letters to me several times a day. I know the author means "rush" or "right now." But I take it for what it really means. And, dagnabit - yes, I said that - if it's not possible right this minute, then it's going to wait until it is possible. Because that's what that means, right? "As soon as possible?" As far as I'm concerned, if the time that is "possible" for me isn't the time you need it by, then you should've been more specific.)

I just read back what I've written so far, and why the hell am I being so damned proper? I mean, I know I'm not being totally gramatically correct, but this is my GD blog. What ever happened to me just writing shit??? I'm supposed to just let it spew forth, right? Well, I'm over work and I want to leave and get my weekend started, so I'm really gonna turn my brain off and write the way I talk. Fuck it. And, yeah, for those of you who don't know me, I cuss. A LOT. Get used to it, or find a computer that'll put that little black rectangle over all of my fuckin' cuss words.

Oh jeez... I hear someone walking down the hall towards me, and it sounds like they have purpose. DAMMIT!

I need a money tree, stat.

Dear Blogger,

Thank you for finally making my pictures visible to the world!

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Blogger,

Why are you denying people the joy of viewing my photos? Did I do something to offend you??

Sincerely,
Me

This weekend in pictures...

On Saturday, I went to this party at an art gallery with Christina... Lots of fun, I must say! It was a total departure from my normal weekend party-ish activities. While there, we saw an art exhibit that was pretty interesting... I don't know what you'd call the exhibit, but everything was in Ziploc bags. And it was all for sale, the cheapest piece of "artwork" being $50. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I really don't understand some art. And when I say "some" art, I really mean MODERN art. One bag was filled with creamed spinach and there was another bag that was just filled with helium... and it was selling for $100. So not only do I not understand modern art, but I also do not understand how this particular gallery decided on the prices for these pieces. There were several items that were really intriguing to me, but definitely nothing I'd pay $100 for. Maybe it's just because I'm broke. Anyway, the most interesting piece of artwork, to ME, was what we saw outside after we left:



Today was Indonesian Independence Day, but I totally forgot. I know. It's terrible. But I honestly didn't even know what today's date was until I looked at my phone at half past midnight on - today - the 18th. Anyway, I spent most of my afternoon at National Airport, waiting for some friends who I was picking up. They were to land in Terminal A and I realized that I'd never been in that terminal before... at least, not in any recent years. There was something about it that seemed oddly familiar to me, and I wonder if I'd been there many many years ago in my childhood. All indications are that it's the oldest part of the airport, and furthest away from the Metro exit. But I really liked it there. I'm referring more specifically to the area between Terminals A and B, where the Exhibition Hall is:



It was old and quiet and nostalgic, and you could watch the planes take off and land. I really liked it there. I could spend hours there, just in thought. I know that sounds weird, but the room kind of took me to a place far away... I don't know how to explain it. Anyway, you see how empty it was, so it was a good place to be alone with your thoughts without being locked up in some little room. I may even try and find more excuses to escape there.

How come...

... when you're in a hurry to get somewhere, you hit nothing but red lights on the way to your destination? But when you're trying to do something while driving, like EAT, it's smooth sailing through every traffic light along the way??

The Rick Astley Channel

Boy, did I hit the 80s JACKPOT with the Rick Astley channel!!! Featured artists include, but are not limited to:

- The Cars
- Tears for Fears
- Mr. Mister
- the Thompson Twins
- Deniece Williams
- Jon Secada

Yeah, I'm a nerd, I admit. But I've just gotten a little tired of rap and whatnot lately. I don't even know what these folks are rapping about anymore.

Ex. Lil Wayne in the "Crying Out for Me" remix:

So I met this shawty the otha day
I got her numba called her up like what u doin
She say nothin
I say what's good?
She say not much
I say guess what
She say wassup
I say I think we should hook up
She say uhhh...
I say what?
She say but...
I say but... ?
Why u stuck?
She say ****
I say who?
She say not you
I say then who
She say you know
I know what?
You know who
I say I do?
She say you do

Trust me, it sounds stupid in the song.

Pandora Rocks!... but I wish it could read my mind.

So I listen to Pandora at work, and I love it. Sure, maybe I'm not supposed to be streaming radio or whatever else here, but they haven't blocked it yet and I'm sick of the commercials on the radio, so I use it. The only problem I initially had with Pandora is that, you put in your favorite artist or song, and it creates a "channel" of songs and artists that are similar so that you always hear something you like. Sounds great, except that I have really eclectic taste in music. I'll pretty much listen to anything (and I mean, ANYTHING) except country music. So I ended up creating, like, 6 different channels to address all of my moods. Well, I finally found the button that says "QuickMix," which plays a mix of all of your created channels. Yeah, it was right there in front of my face. I never said I was a genius.

Anyway, I will admit that I love a lot of 80s music and adult contemporary stuff... so I created a "Phil Collins" channel because I love him. That particular channel always pleases me with it's mix of Phil Collins, Sting, Simply Red, and many others. Sadly (and you can take the word "sad" for all it's possible meanings here), I've been waiting for them to pull out some Rick Astley and I haven't been getting it. I know, I know. Rick Astley isn't anything special. I think he had, maybe, 3 hits back in the day. But I guess I've just been waiting to hear that mediocre 80s pop. I wonder what it would come up with if I created a Rick Astley channel... Hmmmm... To Be Continued.

I guess there really IS someone for everyone...

I was at my parents' house, and my mom happened to be watching We TV... She likes those channels that are clearly geared towards women. Anyway, they have this show called "Rich Bride, Poor Bride," where they showcase the planning of a couple's wedding and go over their budgets. I happened to walk in on episode with a particularly abrasive bride. Here's some choice dialogue between bride (B) and groom (G)...

While spray painting fans that would become guest favors
G: So how do I do this?
B: Are you seriously asking me how to spray a can of paint? Do you really not know how to do this? I mean, it doesn't take a college degree to spray paint something...

While purchasing umbrellas for the bridesmaids, after the groom was 30 minutes late... The bride wants to buy 5 of the exact same umbrella, in different colors.
G: Why are you buying all of those? You only need one...
B: No, because I haven't made a decision on which one I want yet.
G: Yeah, but that's a waste. You can't just waste money like that.
B: Yes, I can, because I haven't chosen which one I want yet, and I'm going to buy them all because you really upset me by being late today.

While sitting with the wedding planner (WP) to discuss the fact that they're going over their budget
WP: Now, there seem to be a lot of little expenses that are causing you guys to start to reach the max on your budget... You might need to cut back on some things that may be unnecessary.
B: Well, I made it clear to both of you that this is MY wedding and I'm going to spend whatever I need to spend to make it my perfect day.
WP: I understand that, but you guys need to be on the same page. Tony (the groom) is paying for all of this stuff, and it's his wedding, too...
B: But it's MY wedding, and I want everything to be perfect...
G: No, it's OUR wedding, and we need to come to an agreement on these things, and the spending is getting out of hand... I want us to have some money for our future, too.
B: Fine, then do you want our guests to just eat on paper plates? Because that's what we'll do then. I'm not giving up the things that I want.

B (in an aside to the camera): A budget is just a budget. It's not set in stone and I'm going to spend all the money it takes to get what I want.
They later show her buying "Moulin Rouge" themed outfits for her bridal party at her bachelorette night... totaling over $425, which she charged to the groom's credit card.

The bride apparently wants a "signature shot" to be served at the bar at her reception. They go to a mixologist to create it, and they try some samples.
G: (after the 2nd sample) I like this one, this is good.
B: No, that's nasty...
G: I think the guests will really like it.
B: I don't care. I don't like it.
G: But you're not the only one who will be drinking it.
B: Are you not listening to me? I said, I DON'T CARE. Do you hear the words that are coming out of my mouth? I. DON'T. CARE.

At the actual ceremony, there were fountains that were supposed to start up during their wedding kiss, but they didn't go off. She declares, while still standing at the altar in front of the priest, "The fountains didn't go off!!!" I know that a wedding is really important. As a woman, I know that you want everything to be perfect. And I've seen some serious bridezillas on TV before, but I've never seen a woman who treated her wedding like such a show before. I mean, usually, the woman ultimately realizes that it is a ceremony where she is bonded to the man she loves. The whole time, all she was concerned about was the logistics and her tiara and her big princess dress. Ultimately, they went almost $10,000 over budget (which, I must say is RIDICULOUS), but she obviously didn't care. I am astounded that she found a man to marry her... So I guess there really is someone for everyone.

What's the deal???

I will admit that I am geriatric in several ways. Sure, my hip clicks when I walk sometimes... and I knit... and I bake cookies... and I look forward to trips to Pennsylvania Dutch Country. But physically, I AM a young woman, most people will admit that I look years younger than I really am (I'm well over 21 and I've been carded at rated R movies before). However, it's become quite obvious to me over the past year that old men LOVE ME. I mean, they LOVE me. I'll give you 3 prime examples.

Exhibit A: I was at a bar one night, and there were these 2 old men there... When I say "old," I mean over the age of 65. I suppose they were regulars. The waitresses seemed to know them. Anyway, they BOTH hit on me at some point during the night, asking me to dance, dancing around me, etc. I didn't score AT ALL with any men remotely close to my age... just the old guys.

Exhibit B: I'm not too proud to say I did a stint on Match.com. Well part of the reason I terminated my membership was because most of the men "winking" at me were of age 45 or older. Really? WTF?

Exhibit C: I went to the Redskins' preseason game today, and upon arrival, some guy was literally YELLING down to me from the 200 level, telling me that he loves beautiful women who are Redskins fans and that I should come up to his skybox and everything will be on him... and that he had a friend for my friend. He continued the yelling for a few minutes, I suppose to try and convince me to come up, and then finished by saying, "Ask me who I am!" I have no idea what that was supposed to mean, but he was no one I recognized. And even if he were, that is really no way to address a woman.

In addition to this, I've been leered at at bars, on the street, at the store, at the movies, etc., all by men who are considerably older than me... or who at least LOOK considerably older than me. And as I apparently look like a teenager to most people, wouldn't that make these men, like, pedophiles for ogling a girl who appears so young? What is wrong with guys my age? Am I not releasing the right pheromones? I mean, really now... I'm starting to think that my lot in life IS to have a sugar daddy. Maybe I should embrace my destiny... LOL.

2008 Summer Olympics - It Begins

I just finished watching the opening ceremonies of the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing and OH. MY. GOD. I don't think any other country will ever be able to pull off topping that one. It was absolutely breathtaking... and I don't ever use the word "breathtaking." From beginning to end, it was a completely amazing spectacle. The choreography, the colors, the art, the innovation... the VISION.

I was immediately amazed when they started with 2,008 drummers (literally, two thousand and eight people), using drums that lit up to do the countdown. I was baffled at how they were able to get 2,008 people to move in perfect unison. Little did I know that there would be a total of 15,000 performers moving in equally perfect unison to pull off a show that is completely beyond compare. The theme was "harmony," and everything about the ceremony portrayed that. If there was ever any doubt that that many people could work so well together, this evening removed all of those doubts.

The only thing more amazing than the ceremony itself was the final vision of all of the athletes on the infield. I mean, the Olympics have always symbolized world unity, but I think I'm finally old enough and mature enough to really appreciate it, and for it to really touch me. Think about it: it's representatives from practically the entire world, standing together, enjoying the exact same moment for the exact same reason, even if only for an hour. It's an exercise in peace, and although they are all ultimately in competition, there is no malice. It's a heartwarming moment that I was sad to see come to an end, but it is only the beginning of weeks of that feeling. While the Olympics and politics sometimes must intersect, I believe that the Olympics is still the one event that can find a way to transcend worldly issues, if so allowed.

So it's possible. It's possible to find commonality in those who seem so different from ourselves. It's possible to, if only for an instant, forget that we're enemies and celebrate what makes us the same... what we actually love about each other, despite everything. There's a lesson to be learned here for all of us - myself included.

Dang doctors...

So I thought I broke my foot. I say "thought" because my right foot is paralyzed and I can't feel much of anything. However, I tripped on it and a few days later, I noticed some really bad bruising and odd discolorations. I wear an AFO (ankle-foot orthotic) that helps me walk and basically immobilizes my foot. I didn't originally go to the doctor because I already have the brace, and I figured that, if my foot was broken, they wouldn't cast it up anyway. Well, after I noticed the bruising, thought a check up was in order.

ANYWAY, I go to the doctor's office for my 1145 appt, which I was a good 10 minutes early for. The doctor didn't actually SEE me until 1300 (that's 1pm)... Yeah, I waited over an hour to be seen by the doctor. I mean, come on. What is the point of making an appointment if something like that is going to happen??? Well, I get in there, and after he abuses my foot, he tells me I need to get X-rays, but they don't have an X-ray machine in house... So now I have to go to a radiology center to get it done. And the place closes at 1630. I have to leave work 1.5 hours early in order to get there before they close... And THEN he wants me to come back THE NEXT DAY to look at the X-rays. I get all that crap done, come back and see him (mind you, I have to pay the copay both times, so I've now wasted $30, not including parking because they don't validate), and he tells me that my foot is fine... no breaks, no sprains. And even if it were broken, he says, they just would've used my brace to immobilize it rather than casting it up.

Great. So basically, I've now spent $30+ and 3.5 hours on a diagnosis that I gave myself a week ago. Complete waste of time. And people wonder why I self-diagnose.

I'm old

I was just talking to Nick about how my new nephew doesn't know how to laugh yet, and my mind jumped to why we always feel the need to tickle children. Then I thought about how, when I am tickled now, I just feel like beating up whoever it is that's tickling me so that he/she will stop.

So when did tickling become un-funny to me? Whenever you tickle kids (or at least all the kids I know), they ALWAYS laugh. When did I stop laughing at being tickled? Now if you tickle me, I'll still giggle, but I'm just likely to slap you. Not in a malicious way, mind you... just to get you to stop. It's almost instinctive. Maybe not a slap. Sometimes a punch. Or a kick, depending on whether I'm sitting or standing.

Anyway, that's my thought for the day. Stupid, I know.

I'm enormous

So I'm about 4' 10/11"... I can pull off 5'0" on a good day. So I'm obviously not tall by any means. Hell, I'm not even close to average height. I'm generally considered short, even when in a room full of short people! But sometimes, on the odd occasion, I have a tall day. Have you ever had one of those? I feel regular at the moment, sitting down, but every time I get up, I feel taller than I normally am. The file cabinets seem a little shorter. The sinks feel a little lower. I feel tall!

Of course, the feeling ends when I stand next to someone who is of average height, but it's a nice feeling, however fleeting.

Have you ever had a tall day? I know you have!

The Post

I think I'm going to start sporadically doing "This Day in Pictures" entries, a la The Washington Post. Because I can tell you stories, sure, but sometimes a picture says it all. Yeah, I think I'll do that.

Circuit City

So I went to Circuit City this weekend to get my dad's birthday present. In order to make things a little less time consuming, I did the whole "order online and pick it up in the store" deal. Since we were at my sister's house, we decided to check the in-store availability at the Beltsville location. The website said that it was available, so we ordered it, waited about 45 minutes, and then went to the store. When we got there, I did the usual: went to the customer service counter, gave them my order number... The Circuit City employee then went to get my item. No, let me rephrase that. The Circuit City employee then went to GO LOOKING FOR my item.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought the whole point of ordering online to pick up in the store was to make things go faster. They tell you to give them 25 minutes, but that's really not very long. Ideally, you should be able to order your item, and by the time you've gotten ready, left your house, and driven to the store, 25 minutes has elapsed and your item should be waiting for you. Not the case here. After about 20 minutes of standing there waiting, this is what happens:

Circuit City employee (CCE): I'm sorry ma'am, but your item is nowhere to be found.
Me: I'm sorry, what??
CCE: We can't find your item anywhere in the store.
Me: But I bought it online and the website said it was in stock and that my order went through.
CCE: Well, we had one of them, but the store manager took it and we don't know where she put it.
Me: Well, where is the store manager?
CCE: She left for the day already.
Me: Well, can someone CALL her? I mean, I ordered it online to save time and because I need it for tomorrow. The website said it was in stock, and my order went through. You guys have $200 of my money and I drove all the way out here, and now you're telling me that my item is "nowhere to be found."
CCE: Okay, let me try and call her. (She disappears for another few minutes) Okay, she's not answering her phone.
(Then she stares blankly at me, as if I'm just going to say, "Okay, never mind then. I'll just go home.")
Me: Uhhhhhh... so what am I supposed to do, then?
CCE: Hold on... (disappears for another few minutes) Here it is.
(Lo and behold, she has the item I ordered)
Me: Thank you. Now, don't you guys have some sort of 25 minute guarantee or something? (Note that almost 2 hours has elapsed since I placed my order - 45 minutes before we left the house, 20 minutes to drive there, 20 minutes for her to NOT find my order, and another 15 minutes of trying to locate the manager.)
CCE: Yes, ma'am, we will give you a $25 gift card for the inconvenience.

So thank you, Circuit City of Beltsville, for being so incompetent. I now have a $25 gift card.

Now, I know I sound really unforgiving here, but I spent 7 years working in customer service, and there are so many things you can do for someone in that situation. Don't just stare at me when you tell me something like, you can't find my order. Give me some options on what I'm supposed to do, get your manager, ask someone else, SOMETHING. I mean, really, did she just expect me to walk out and be okay with the fact that I just spend $200 and was about to get NOTHING? Let's be real, people...

An Open Letter to Comcast

Dear Comcast,

As a customer who frequently has to call you in order to get my service restored due to various connectivity issues, I'd like you to please get a new repertoire of music. I am very very tired of hearing the instrumental version of "The Look of Love," and hearing the song in any other respect makes me want to blow my brains out. I'm sure you know that your customers have to call you over and over and over again, and are on hold for several minutes at a time, and the very least you can do is provide us with a litte variety every once in a while. That's all I'm saying. Thanks.

-Me

I must be doing something wrong.

So they finally hired a temp for me. She's doing all of my filing, sorting, scanning, shredding... all my bitch work, basically. Thank God. That crap was time-consuming and ridiculously tedious. So I'm more than happy to dump it on someone else.

But... um... why does she drive a Porsche? And not just any Porsche either. The Cayenne. Yeah. The big one... that starts at $43k. I drive a janky VW Jetta that needs new tires and for someone to re-attach part of the bumper. I must be doing something wrong. Maybe I need to go back to being a temp. And no, she's not married, so it's not like it's her husband's money. I'm such a hater. I know this. But come on. Why does my assistant have a better ride than me???

Pet Peeve #123043240932

Yeah, I have a lot of pet peeves. What can I say? I'm easily perturbed...

It really "grinds my gears" when people call you on business (i.e. a client or a vendor calling) and, instead of stating their purpose at the beginning of the call, just start talking about whatever it is they're calling about like you're just supposed to know who they are and to what they're referring.

I mean, come on. Do you really think YOU'RE the only person calling me and asking me questions, or that YOURS is the only issue I'm dealing with? No. I have several things on my plate, so I'd appreciate it if, when you call, you state your name, company, and an introduction to your business with me on this phone call rather than just jumping into whatever your issue is as if you're the only person I've spoken to all day.

Thanks.

Over-grooming

I work at a construction company. So you'd think people would be slightly more laid back about their appearance. Just a little bit... But over the 3 years that I've worked here, I've noticed it's just the opposite. I realized this yesterday, as I was in the ladies' room and caught one co-worker in the middle of her post-lunch grooming regimen.

When I walked in, she was brushing her teeth. Not an abnormal activity for many people after lunch, I'll admit. I figured once she was done, that'd be the end of it. No. She then proceeded to lightly freshen her face with some water, then re-apply her makeup. Then she brushed her hair. Then she straightened out her clothes. All this was followed by a light spritz of perfume. You'd think Brad Pitt worked in this office or something, with all the preening she was doing. Meanwhile, I was just trying to take a piss and blow my nose.

But she's not the only one who does this. I've seen several women do the post-lunch grooming... things outside of the normal brushing of teeth. Women will spend several minutes in front of the mirror here. Maybe I just don't get it because I'm such a sweatpants kind of girl... But the whole thing just seemed really unnecessary to me. I mean, you're at work and people have already seen you all day. Who else is left to impress??

Throwdown with Bobby Flay

Okay, so maybe I'm just biased because I'm not a fan of Bobby Flay. The guy annoys me, what can I say? I don't know exactly what it is about him...

Anyway, for those of you who don't watch Food Network like I do, he has this show called "Throwdown with Bobby Flay," wherein he finds people who are really famous in their hometowns for some specific dish and he challenges them to a "throwdown." Basically, he tries to create the same dish, but make it better than theirs. For example, this one woman was really famous in her town for her mac & cheese, so he goes to there and tries to make a better mac & cheese than her. The judges are 3 people, chosen from that town. He gets them on under the guise of putting them on a show on Food Network where they are the featured cook.

Now does this sound wrong to anyone else but me? I mean, here's this famous chef whose name everyone knows... nationally recognized, has several cookbooks, and is an Iron Chef... He finds people who are famous in their hometowns for one big thing. It's THEIR thing... their one claim to fame. First he tricks them into thinking they're going to be honored on Food Network by having their own episode on a show, THEN he proceeds to beat them at their own game and prove that he, a professional chef, is better than they are, a hometown cook. I know he doesn't win EVERY time (though, for the record, I've only seen a few episodes, and he HAS won all of them), but what the hell is he trying to prove???? That he is better than my next door neighbor? Doesn't his being on TV and getting paid big money already prove that? Must he also seek to humiliate regular people?

If you ask me, that's like Michael Johnson coming to my house and challenging me to a foot race. Who do you think will win? All's I know is that, if I'm famous in Rockville, MD for my fried chicken (for example... my fried chicken is good, but I'm not famous for it by any means), and Bobby Flay challenged me to a throwdown, I'd be downright pissed. How dare you attempt to steal my small town thunder?

Shame on you, Bobby Flay. Shame.

All About Lagos... FINALLY!

Yes, I finally found the energy to write this post. Who knows if it will be as long or as detailed as I'd like, because it was one of those trips where I sporadically remember things I want to share with people.

What a whirlwind trip! 2 weeks of constant activity, and time that wasn't spent moving was spent in traffic or sitting fanning myself into a coma.
Yes... it was HOT. Who knew Nigeria would be hot, right? Duh. I'm relatively accustomed to it, because Indonesia is equally hot... but I haven't been to Indonesia in about 10 years. Result? Anywhere between 1-3 nosebleeds a day. No, it's okay. I get nosebleeds chronically. Too bad none of my hosts were fully aware of this. There was a lot of freaking out over the blood gushing from my face. I wasn't panicked by it... only annoyed by it.

I only had 2 main complaints about the trip:
1.) Lagos traffic - I thought New York, DC rush hour, Los Angeles, and Jakarta were bad. Not even close. At one point, Femi and I spent 1.5 hours in traffic only to travel 3-5 blocks. Holy cow.
2.) Getting sick - I woke up one morning with a terrible cough, and it led to a pretty debilitating illness for 3 days. I missed a few parties, and recuperation took some time... But I guess it was my own fault.

Best things about Lagos:
1.) There's always a party going on - You wouldn't think a minor party-er like myself would like this, but it's nice to always have options. My body, however, is not built for that much activity. I am ashamed to say I couldn't really keep up.
2.) Every day brings a new story - Whether it's about getting pulled over by cops or dealing with okada drivers, the latest party or the new Akon album you bought, unless you didn't leave the house all day, there is no such thing as a boring day in Lagos.
3.) You can buy anything on the street - Have you ever seen the skit on Chappelle's Show, where he shows "if the internet were a place?" Well that's what the streets of Lagos are like. Yeah, you're sitting in ridiculous traffic, but while you're sitting there, you can buy ANYTHING. And I mean, ANYTHING. In one 15 minute period, you can be offered CDs, DVDs, socks, towels, paintings, clocks, candy, beverages, fruits, t-shirts, cereal, toy globes, a basketball hoop, cell phone chargers, sunglasses, and cotton swabs... all at a negotiable price. I am fully confident that I could've done all of my Christmas shopping during one drive from point A to point B.
4.) The beach - Once you get away from the city, beaches in the US are incomparable. Even on an overcast day, it's beautiful. We went as a storm was rolling over us, and I found myself frequently mesmerized by the landscape and the sky.
5.) Sodas in glass bottles - A staple in most countries outside of the U.S., I always look forward to having these!

If you're a friend of mine of Facebook, you've likely seen the near 400 pictures I posted of my trip. I hope to go again sometime in the near future, hopefully with a less hectic schedule! Yay Lagos!

Guess who's biz-ack...

So I'm back at work after my whirlwind trip to Nigeria. I have returned to 12 voicemail messages and 209 emails. JOY. Being at work today is physically making me want to cry. Thank God we have our Annual Meeting today, so I'm really only at work for a half day. But it still sucks. I'm going to have to get the big can of Red Bull to make it through this afternoon's meeting.

I still don't feel like I'm back. I've forgotten all of my usual routines, and am actually shocked that I remembered how to drive this morning. I spent 2 weeks in Nigeria, having relinquished all control (re: driving, destinations, time limits, etc.), which made me feel totally impotent. Now that I have control back, I have no idea what to do with it. My brain actually feels like mush.

I had a great time, though. Stay tuned for a brief summary of my trip.

I'm bored.

I go on vacation in less than 5 days. It's Friday. 90% of the office is out at an employee outing. I didn't go because I wanted to get work done before going on vacation. However, I am now clearly bored. Yeah, I still have a lot of work to do, but it's so quiet here, I'm falling asleep and need a break. So now you have pleasure of hearing about my day.

Have you ever watched 3rd Rock from the Sun? It's about these aliens who come to Earth to learn about... Earth. Well there's this one episode where Dick, the "father" alien, is learning about tipping at restaurants. No, not like cow tipping. Like "giving your server a gratuity" tipping. Anyway, once he learns the idea behind it, he goes out to eat and puts a pile of $1 bills on the table. He tells the waitress that he's going to take a dollar away every time she provides poor service or generally screws up. By the end of it, she's freaking out because her tip is basically waning down to nothing.

Here's the point. That's what I felt like doing at lunch today. I went to Timpano with my boss, and our waitress brought us water and menus and then DISAPPEARED. I mean, seriously. I think she totally forgot about us, despite the fact that she was totally on top of the table right behind us. Maybe it's because they were ordering alcoholic beverages, which means a bigger check, which means a bigger tip. Whatever. She sucked. It took less time for the food to get to our table than it did for us to actually TAKE our order. And forget asking for the check or her picking it up after we put the credit card in there. We were there for over 90 minutes, and only 35 of it was spent with food in front of us. That girl sucked big time. It's not even like it was busy. There were maybe a dozen tables with customers, and at least 8 different waiters (yeah, I counted). So she had no reason to be as confused as she looked.

At least the food was good.









Can I go home now?